"Your Excellency," here are two trophies," said Dolokhov, pointing to the French sword and pouch. "I captured an officer. I stopped the company." Dolokhov was breathing heavily from fatigue; he spoke with pauses. "The whole company can testify. I ask you to remember, Your Excellency!"
"Very well, very well," said the regimental commander, and he turned to Major Ekonomov.
But Dolokhov did not go away; he untied the handkerchief, pulled it off and showed the clotted blood on his head.
"A bayonet wound. I stayed at the front. Remember, Your Excellency."
Great use of dialogue, by the way. And how is a character breathing as he/ she speaks? That's something to think about. . .
Another emulation exercise:
[name] was breathing [adverb] from [condition/ or something]; he spoke with [what?]
Walter was breathing loudly through his mouth because of his cold; he spoke nasaly
Fidencio was breathing timidly; he spoke with all the liveliness of a robot
Mrs Tourette was breathing raggedly and her eyes were rolling at odd angles; she tried to speak but her tongue was in the way
Buster was panting from having hopped up the stairs; he barked and barked and barked